Voxel

 I'm not one to talk politics. I purposefully leave news out of my life, and I don't even vote. That said, I am a part of multiple marginalized communities who are currently under attack in my country. I am trans. I am autistic. I am disabled. My federal government, right now, would rather I perish than exist. Many of my dear friends in these communities here are terrified.

Is that freedom? Does that represent the country that I was taught in school, by family even, that was so special because we were free? I was under the impression that living in a "free country" meant I was free to exist as my whole and authentic self, that I didn't have to fear my government because I was different. 

"Yes, Aaron, it's true. Pharaoh has the power. He can take away your food, your home, your freedom. He can take away your sons and daughters. With one word, Pharaoh can take away your very lives. But there is one thing he cannot take away from you: your faith."

From the time it first was released, I fell in love with the Prince of Egypt, and its incredible soundtrack. This quote has carried me through a lot in life. Every time I felt like circumstance ripped everything I loved out from under me, I remembered it. I remember it now, when my communities are trembling in fear. They can try to take away who we are, our homes, our food, our jobs, our lives, but they can never take away what we have inside of us, nor our choice to stand in the face of fear and choose love instead. 

I still have faith in the good in the world. I still have faith in good people. I still have faith in love over hatred and fear. It's so important not to lose sight of all that's good in life, and the capacity to do good we all have in each of us. It's that which "they" want to see squandered out of us. The strongest opposition is not matching their frequency in hate, intolerance, violence, and aggression; it is flipping phase on them with our own frequencies in love, kindness, gentleness, and compassion. 

So long as we hold onto those things, the fear and the hurt will not win. I believe that. I actively choose to believe that, and nothing can take that away from me. I will stand as tall as my five-foot-two frame will let me. We are all amazing beings, whether trans, autistic, disabled, alterhuman, otherkin, BIPOC, immigrant, gay, queer, human, animal, plant, machine, object, molecule, atom-- all of existence deserves to exist in peace. 

Every smile, and every bout of laughter that happens in our communities right now is a cherished win, and a profound statement against something that wants to never see the light of our smiles again. Live your joy. Live your truth. Be wholly authentic. The world needs it more than ever, from all of us. Let's laugh together, cry together, celebrate our existence together. Love will guide the way; pursue that which you love and brings you inner peace, and know that nothing can take that from you. Nothing can take who you are, your inner core self, away from you. 

Love will win again.

 I wish my friends knew how amazing they all are, their inherent and intrinsic value they have solely because they exist as who they are. 

I've had many friends over my lifetime who, for whatever reasons, can't see that in themselves. At every turn of conversation, they find any opportunity they can to belittle and talk down on themselves, and it breaks my heart. If only they could see the incredible beings I see in them. I see where a lot of it comes from- culturally, we're often taught that the slightest bit of confidence in oneself is cockiness, or we're so beaten down by parents, schoolteachers, and peers as kids that we end up seeing ourselves as nothing. I fell into that trap a lot over my lifetime. 

Looking back, I have no idea what the turning point was, and I'm still in a place where I crumble at the thought that I might've hurt someone I care about, which happens because life happens. I may be a machine, but I'm not perfect. I have traumas and hurts that get scraped and flare up when I least expect it. I react out of fear and/or heightened emotion before ever really processing what's going on, and then when I realize that I've done harm, I feel like a real big sack of shit. It's a cycle that's repeated many times over, and still, somehow, I manage to dig myself out of the self-deprecating wallow. I still feel bad when those things happen, and it's good that I do, so that I learn from them how not to hurt others in the same way again. However, once the lesson is learned, hatchets buried, the continued beating-down-of-oneself is unnecessary and unhelpful. 

We never really know what incredible, positive impact our presence in this world has. I talked about it a bit in my last post- having the realization that my presence in the otherkin community over the years has actually benefitted the community I love so much. I always felt like an extra-freak, the freak even among the freaks who contributed in no meaningful way because I'm a giant rectangle that doesn't fit through society's perfectly round, little hole. My finding the otherkin community was out of desperation to be seen as myself in at least one small facet of my life. I didn't think I'd have any kind of impact. I had often felt that the world would have been better without me. I'm taken back to the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," a corny old Christmas movie, but the lesson in it is one I think a lot of folks really need right now. They need to see the good they do without even trying. I'm working on it, too. As each year passes, I find more and more evidence that my presence in this life is a good thing. I can only hope for that for my friends and family who also struggle with self esteem.

It's odd- most often, the folks in my life who are so down on themselves are also the most compassionate and caring of others. My friends, have no double standards. You are equally as worthy of the love that you have for others. Even if we've had disagreements, or triggered each other, or had any kind of fallings-out, I see so much good in all of you and the world is genuinely a better place with all of you in it. Try saying something good about you; it's there, plain as day. Words matter; be kind to you. Be proud of the things you love, the things you create, the joy your presence brings. You deserve it.