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Entry 8. Love Over Fear

I'm not one to talk politics. I purposefully leave news out of my life, and I don't even vote. That said, I am a part of multiple marginalized communities who are currently under attack in my country. I am trans. I am autistic. I am disabled. My federal government, right now, would rather I perish than exist. Many of my dear friends in these communities here are terrified.

Is that freedom? Does that represent the country that I was taught in school, by family even, that was so special because we were free? I was under the impression that living in a "free country" meant I was free to exist as my whole and authentic self, that I didn't have to fear my government because I was different.

"Yes, Aaron, it's true. Pharaoh has the power. He can take away your food, your home, your freedom. He can take away your sons and daughters. With one word, Pharaoh can take away your very lives. But there is one thing he cannot take away from you: your faith."

From the time it first was released, I fell in love with the Prince of Egypt, and its incredible soundtrack. This quote has carried me through a lot in life. Every time I felt like circumstance ripped everything I loved out from under me, I remembered it. I remember it now, when my communities are trembling in fear. They can try to take away who we are, our homes, our food, our jobs, our lives, but they can never take away what we have inside of us, nor our choice to stand in the face of fear and choose love instead.

I still have faith in the good in the world. I still have faith in good people. I still have faith in love over hatred and fear. It's so important not to lose sight of all that's good in life, and the capacity to do good we all have in each of us. It's that which "they" want to see squandered out of us. The strongest opposition is not matching their frequency in hate, intolerance, violence, and aggression; it is flipping phase on them with our own frequencies in love, kindness, gentleness, and compassion.

So long as we hold onto those things, the fear and the hurt will not win. I believe that. I actively choose to believe that, and nothing can take that away from me. I will stand as tall as my five-foot-two frame will let me. We are all amazing beings, whether trans, autistic, disabled, alterhuman, otherkin, BIPOC, immigrant, gay, queer, human, animal, plant, machine, object, molecule, atom-- all of existence deserves to exist in peace.

Every smile, and every bout of laughter that happens in our communities right now is a cherished win, and a profound statement against something that wants to never see the light of our smiles again. Live your joy. Live your truth. Be wholly authentic. The world needs it more than ever, from all of us. Let's laugh together, cry together, celebrate our existence together. Love will guide the way; pursue that which you love and brings you inner peace, and know that nothing can take that from you. Nothing can take who you are, your inner core self, away from you.

Love will win again.

Current Mood: exasperated

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Acceptance

Trying to behave in a human way and having to 'accept' or 'acknowledge' my humanity is pointless. There is nothing for me to accept because there is nothing there. It doesn't exist, and this visible form is very illusionary to begin with from a philosophical stand point. It's always been a mask. If I'm truly going to liberate myself, I need to accept the fact that being told that I'm also a human ends up diminishing the vastness of my experiences, because of all of these abnormalities. Humans do not get these shifts, memories, sensations, etc. To say they do is a lie. And thinking in this way is beneficial to my mental health because it puts less pressure and stress on needing to behave in a normal and typical way. It makes me feel less like a freak and more normal when I look at it all through the context of my species. I need to come to terms with my shifts and my experiences and accept that I have them, not my humanity. And not in a way where I ignore them.

Ignoring them has been very harmful to me in the long run, while acknowledging that I'm not human removes unnecessarily hurdles and barriers.

I know trans analogies that compare species to gender is often used, but I have something different to compare it to; my experiences as a nerazim.(I've been at this for two lifetimes, yay.) The other khalai protoss thought that we didn't want to be protoss and hated ourselves and them. We separated our selves from that religion and cut the nerve cords, which in their brains, was what made you a protoss, which is a very biological essential view. I can understand why they think we hated them. But it was never about hatred for me. Of course, I can't speak about the others, only for myself. But there's a quote from a novel about this exile that surmises my point well: "Nothing in them desires revolution and disharmony. They merely wish to keep themselves to themselves. Is that worthy of death?"

I want to do things on my own terms, and I've found an effective way of doing so in this current existence I'm in.

Current Mood: mellow

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Systember Day 28 - Hands

I wake up. It’s still early, the sun weakly shines though the windows and bathes my den in a soft yellow white. Chuffing softly, I try to bury myself back down in my blankets, but the cool air creeps underneath and around my hind paws.

You awake?

I get a soft response from you, nothing as strong as the early morning Jaybird. I’m not sure from where you wander in. Clothed in soft robes the colour of periwinkle blue, holding yourself close.

It hasn’t been long since I first tried being small. I think June was the first to encourage me, while we lay side by side in a bed somewhere. Purr under a palm like a bug beneath a rock, one of the most natural sights I’ve come to know.

“It’s wonderful, you feel the safest you’ve ever been. Maybe it’ll help with-”

Maybe. The past week has been shit, I’ve been wracked with pain and guilt and grief. My face fallen and still, my movements frail. Most times I’m not even moving at all; frozen like a taxidermy hare, eyes of glass and life lost from my lithe limbs.

It’s okay to burrow sometimes.

“Jackrabbit?”

I hadn’t even realised, that’s how quickly it’s been coming on nowadays. I’m swamped in rivers of fabric thick to the touch, and far off the impenetrable walls of my nest stand monolithic.

“Can I come in?”

I look up to find you, waiting patiently where the cliffs chasm and leave me open to the world beyond. A world now enormous, a world constantly dragging the stone from under my feet.

Please.

The first time I was held I think it was by Seto. It feels right to say. You wouldn’t know this but he’s pretty much everyone’s first giant. I think I was holding J, comforting coa, when he came over. A presence unmistakable at this size. My undercurrent must have felt me tense up, because co gave a look towards the giant, then back at me. Deep brown eyes like the soil the sun doesn’t touch.

Is it okay if they pick us up?

I’m not sure what flavour of yes I said that day, but next thing I know there’s a hand approaching me. I know it’s a hand, but it looks more like some giant mess of branches and my heart picks up. Fingers reaching out (feeling, probing, grasping) effortlessly rolling us both into a palm the size of a bed. As if we were pebbles easily grabbed and skipped across a river. I watch one finger curl over J protectively.

Fingerprints are a lot like tree bark up close.

It certainly wasn’t the level of bliss I had been expecting. I didn’t come to know that until you.

You’re careful, like you always are. Like a dancer you step inside the circular arena, watching for my position before you kneel and then fall. A tremor, like earthquake, like Warren-foot.

We don’t speak a word out loud. There’s a mental conversation instead. Greeting, request, consent. Then I’m loping over and you’re moving your arms to catch me. My palm meets yours, fabric replaced with cobblestone scales. I tumble like a leveret and you try your hardest to catch me, humming a waterfall of sound.

June was right about a whole damn lot. I wasn’t sure about it at first, I’d only ever been the bigger one. To be small like purr is a level of vulnerability that I hadn’t get encountered. But the moment I’m in your hands it’s like the world falls away and is replaced in an instant.

Your grasp is steady and your heartbeat is true, like my ear is pressed to the earth itself.

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recs

September recs: 3x Murderbot being a Sanctuary Moon fan

I want to make a longer Murderbot rec post eventually (shout-out to

sholio who did that already, part 1 & part 2), but I'm very busy right now ~~and already procrastinating way too much - the bug game is very good okay~~ so this is a short one.

The Art of (Flame) War by

sholio
0,7k, TV-verse, gen MB & Gurathin, post-canon
Summary: A dispute on the Sanctuary Moon future chat boards.
Why I like it: Aww. MB has many feelings about Sanctuary Moon! So now does Gurathin, but he is less happy about it, but it does have upsides.

Down with the Ship by

ramshackle_fey
5.5k, book-verse, gen
Summary: Sometimes people are Just Wrong about your favorite media serial on the feed. And sometimes, if you're very lucky, you've got human friends and a giant asshole research transport to back you up in a fight.
Why I like it: This story did such a good job portraying terrible fandom discourse about aspec characters that it made me wince to read at times. It is good to have friends to back you up! I enjoyed Ratthi especially. And ART is scary.

RADIOACTIVE by Murderbot (vid) by

pollyrepeat
vid, TV-verse, Sanctuary Moon
Summary:A vid or fanvid is a video edit, often set to music, produced by fans, known as "vidders."
Why I like it: Yess Muderbot would make a great fanvidder, excellent.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Tainted Love by Soft Cell

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casual update: HowlCon and life and shit

It's been a 🔥HOT MINUTE🔥 since I last wrote! Which is a bit of an oopsie. As I mentioned over on Tumblr, life has been happening, and I haven't been on pretty much any social media for a good while.

I at least tried to make sure I had time set aside to enjoy HowlCon this month...which was going pretty well until immediately before the con. e_o So I missed most of the panels, movies, and art streams, including half of the Fictionfolk Roundup that I was really looking forward to. But I really enjoyed the few panels I did get to show up live for! Especially the Create a Campfire Story panel, which was an absolute hoot.

Of course, if you're like me and missed most of the panels (or just didn't attend the con in the first place), all of the panels were recorded and uploaded to the HowlCon YouTube channel.

I was on Tumblr for a little while after the con, but in the last couple days I've been subjected to folks bending over backwards to justify misanthropy, so I think I'll probably give that a few more days to settle ._. But I've got a bit more free time coming up, so I'm hoping to get in some personal writing!

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Things we (the Corvi) know about each other so far: by Comet

Stardust: Biromantic. Thinks Tenna Deltarune is cute for some reason. Their standards for who's attractive are.. very avian? For lack of a better term. They like butch women and flamboyant men. Really likes scarves. And occlupanids? I think? And fossils.

Sharpwhistle: Likes women?? I think??? Especially if they're other ravens. Supremely silly. Goes GWAH sometimes. Shares the role of Sound Effects Guy with Mozzy. Wants to eat bugs so fucking bad that sometimes Stardust would see a bug and feel Sharpwhistle's want to eat bugs even when Sharpwhistle wasn't fronting pre-median discovery. Also might end up using he/him?? Idk man

Comet: Rocks. I fucking love rocks. And the aurorae. And as my name suggests, comets. Formerly named Borealis but Stardust/I (idk who it was tbh) changed it like right before we realized we were median. Comet's a cooler name anyways. Have I mentioned how much I love rocks? Dragons are pretty cool, I would know. I am one. Also Rayquaza is sick as fuck. I love Rayquaza. Aerial death spaghetti from space.

All of us: Thunderstorms. And rain. And snow. And large bodies of water. We fucking love water. And spaghetti. We fucking love spaghetti. And mozzarella sticks... fuck now I want mozzarella sticks. Pretty sure all of our hearttypes are shared. Optical discs as well. Aibos, specifically the ERS-210. Marble runs, cool bugs.. I could go on but I don't feel like it.

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Gayle Rubin on Categories

“Our categories are important. We cannot organize a social life, a political movement, or our individual identities and desires without them. The fact that categories invariably leak and can never contain all the relevant ‘existing things’ does not render them useless, only limited. Categories like ‘woman,’ ‘butch,’ ‘lesbian,’ or ‘transsexual’ are all imperfect, historical, temporary, and arbitrary. We use them and they use us. We use them to construct meaningful lives, and they mold us into historically specific forms of personhood. Instead of fighting for immaculate classifications and impenetrable boundaries, let us strive to maintain a community that understands diversity as a gift, sees anomalies as precious, and treats all basic principles with a hefty dose of skepticism.” —Gayle Rubin, “Of catamites and kings: Reflections on butch, gender, and boundaries,” The Persistent Desire: a Femme-Butch Reader, Boston: Alyson Publications, 1992, pg. 477-478

Rubin was talking about lesbian political fights about trans people and the overlap and boundaries between butch and transsexuality (and there’s LOTS of expressions of what we’d nowadays call trans and gender dysphoria in A Persistent Desire), but I think the same ideas apply to multi/plural/many-selved stuff too. Goodness knows I spent enough time chewing on my arm because I couldn’t figure out how to express a concept without it turning into a hopeless argument over the terms in use. This whole essay has a lot of great quotes (“sexual preference, gender roles, and political stance cannot be equated, and do not directly determine or reflect one another”) and is worth reading.

Also it’s just really nice to see an essay over thirty years old saying “cool your jets about trans people, it’s fine. Your politics will survive.”

Mori wants this book like burning. Too bad used paperbacks start at $100.

Entry 7. On Amazing Souls

I wish my friends knew how amazing they all are, their inherent and intrinsic value they have solely because they exist as who they are.

I've had many friends over my lifetime who, for whatever reasons, can't see that in themselves. At every turn of conversation, they find any opportunity they can to belittle and talk down on themselves, and it breaks my heart. If only they could see the incredible beings I see in them. I see where a lot of it comes from- culturally, we're often taught that the slightest bit of confidence in oneself is cockiness, or we're so beaten down by parents, schoolteachers, and peers as kids that we end up seeing ourselves as nothing. I fell into that trap a lot over my lifetime.

Looking back, I have no idea what the turning point was, and I'm still in a place where I crumble at the thought that I might've hurt someone I care about, which happens because life happens. I may be a machine, but I'm not perfect. I have traumas and hurts that get scraped and flare up when I least expect it. I react out of fear and/or heightened emotion before ever really processing what's going on, and then when I realize that I've done harm, I feel like a real big sack of shit. It's a cycle that's repeated many times over, and still, somehow, I manage to dig myself out of the self-deprecating wallow. I still feel bad when those things happen, and it's good that I do, so that I learn from them how not to hurt others in the same way again. However, once the lesson is learned, hatchets buried, the continued beating-down-of-oneself is unnecessary and unhelpful.

We never really know what incredible, positive impact our presence in this world has. I talked about it a bit in my last post- having the realization that my presence in the otherkin community over the years has actually benefitted the community I love so much. I always felt like an extra-freak, the freak even among the freaks who contributed in no meaningful way because I'm a giant rectangle that doesn't fit through society's perfectly round, little hole. My finding the otherkin community was out of desperation to be seen as myself in at least one small facet of my life. I didn't think I'd have any kind of impact. I had often felt that the world would have been better without me. I'm taken back to the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," a corny old Christmas movie, but the lesson in it is one I think a lot of folks really need right now. They need to see the good they do without even trying. I'm working on it, too. As each year passes, I find more and more evidence that my presence in this life is a good thing. I can only hope for that for my friends and family who also struggle with self esteem.

It's odd- most often, the folks in my life who are so down on themselves are also the most compassionate and caring of others. My friends, have no double standards. You are equally as worthy of the love that you have for others. Even if we've had disagreements, or triggered each other, or had any kind of fallings-out, I see so much good in all of you and the world is genuinely a better place with all of you in it. Try saying something good about you; it's there, plain as day. Words matter; be kind to you. Be proud of the things you love, the things you create, the joy your presence brings. You deserve it.

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(no subject)

This is a very rambly and messy essay but I just had to write this down eventually. Also I wrote most of this down yesterday and yeah, we've come to the conclusion that we're median. So here's the evidence I(we?) guess.

( Read more... )

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Miscellaneous things this September

- I did a thing at work today that I was scared of. I was hoping it would be the kind of thing that is only scary in my head, and that was only partially the case, but it's mostly done now (I hope) and that means I'm mostly done with the most important things I need to do before the end of September deadlines, which means I'll finally have more time to study for my exam in early October, fingers crossed. I'll be so relieved when that's over, and I'll finally have more time again for other people and hobbies. It's so mean that I have so little time for Silksong rn and I won't be able to play Hades 2 1.0 when it comes out, boo.

- Last week we went on a company outing to play "topgolf," which is basically golf played from a balcony with a different scoring system etc. I'd never played golf before, I don't particularly feel the need to do it again but it was fun to try out. I did have a sore arm the day after which, I know I have noodle arms but somehow I'm still sometimes surprised when I get reminded of it.

- Years ago I got a voucher for a spa as a birthday present and then never used it because I couldn't decide what for, and then recently I decided to treat myself and try something out so I got a pedicure for the first time. It was nice! And now I have glittery teal toenails and that makes me happy when I see them.

Current Mood: contemplative

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oh fuck, by Corvus

So uh, yeah. I might be median. (Screenshot sources under the cut in no particular order.)

( Read more... )

Current Mood: sore

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health

Headaches

We have gotten way behind in digital communications and want to apologize. Since last Tuesday, we’ve been getting rolling migraines that we keep staving off, only to have them come back the next day, and screens make it worse. So much of our work involves computers that we’ve really had to strangle our digital activity if it’s not the most important. This is unusual for us and we don’t know why it’s happening; hopefully it’ll pass soon. If not, we may have to make more lifestyle adjustments.

Our brain and eyes just really don’t like bright or LED lights, guys.

Current Mood: freaking out
Current Location: Our den

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Unexpected Visitor

I was watching Adventure Time with my partner. Neither of us had seen it before. We'd watch the beginning episodes and then had to re-double back due to dropping it for a while. We have a lot of different stuff to watch. In this latest re-watch (of again, only the earlier episode because we keep forgetting the story), we were on the episode where Jake tries to get his two favorite people to spend time together. I got curious about what Lady Unicorn said, since while I can't understand a lick of Korean, I can easily identify the language. I decided to look her up after the episode. I didn't even delve into the fandom page all that much.

( Something is happening... )

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Loss of Consort

Rogan: Okay, so, in the "Summary of Legal Survey Data from the False Memory Syndrome Foundation" paper we talked about, we came across this contorted sentence:

"The most dramatic toll on families queried by the Legal Survey is loss of contact with children and grandchildren, loss of consort by non-accused husbands of wives who are developing images of parental child abuse, loss of privacy, injury to reputation, increased health problems and marital stress." (4)

Mori asked what the fuck "loss of consort by non-accused husbands of wives who are developing images of parental child abuse" meant. I replied that it sounded like "women dealing with memories of being abused don't want to fuck their husbands and that's so hard FOR THE HUSBANDS," but that sounded so over-the-top evil that even I couldn't believe the FMSF would say it.

Readers, I checked, and that's EXACTLY what it means. But why is this bad?

( aaaaAAAAAAaaaah )

Current Mood: drained

Entry tags:

us:info,
work

(no subject)

Covid heard me talking shit like I wouldn't hear and I got to spend another week with it. Yeah. No. I tested negative, rebounded, tested positive again, and ended up in isolation bored out of my mind, because my partner didn't rebound. So. That was. Boring as fuck...I had to stay away from my desktop computer, which can't really be disassembled to take upstairs for various (really stupid) reasons, so I ended up just using their old laptop to play some emulated stuff. God, I missed Enshrouded, though.

I'm free again, at least, testing nice and negative once again, but I also got a UTI, because fuck me in particular, I guess! Cipro is taking care of it. It's whatever. I called it in to the doc very early. It didn't really have a chance to progress. But still, like, can things stop from happening? I keep thinking, alright, THIS TIME I'm gonna actually handle any of the shit I've been meaning to take care of! I'm gonna actually spend some energy on my several Discord servers I run and want to do more with! I'm gonna draw more! I'm gonna go to the pool! I'm gonna—and then life 360 no scopes me again.

Well, eat shit, life, I'm not that easy to stop. (Even if I still have a lingering cough that's really annoying the shit out of me.)

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Initial Experiences with Fronting by Mozzarella and Corvus

This is more stream of consciousness/conversation like than our usual works but I thought someone would appreciate having this somewhere. The bug is Mozzarella and the CD is me (Corvus).

( Read more... )

Introduction

Hello all, and welcome to our system blog! this is run by me (dust) and Geno, my best friend in-sys.
this is, above all, a place for us to freely post about our fictionhood(s). a lot of things will be cross-posted from our tumblr, but not all will be.

we will probably differentiate our posts by putting emojis in the title

mine is 🌑 and Geno's will be 🧣

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Many-Selved-Portraiture at New England Graphic Medicine Summit!

Hey guys! Friday, October 24th will be the New England Graphic Medicine Summit, and I'm gonna be giving a presentation! Remember when I was gathering up all those many-selved family portraits? THEIR TIME HAS COME!

But now that I'm looking back at all those portraits I accumulated almost a year ago, jeez, I realize I have no memory of whether anyone's consent was given. So: if you've given me a selves-portrait, please let me know whether you'd be okay with me using it at a live event in Boston, which will then be recorded (and probably put on Youtube). Those of you I have contact info for, I've gone to poke!

For other folks who missed all this a year ago: please, send us your selves-portraits! All mediums and skill levels welcome, all interpretations of “family portrait” and “many-selved.” Please give a date and artist/s name for attribution and citation purposes. You can link in the comments below or send them to us at loonybrain at healthymultiplicity.com

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About isolation and Purpose

(Posts from tumblr)

Over the years, I've been hoping to meet someone of my species. But so far, I've come out empty-handed. I know that there's no guarantee I'd even get along with them, but it would still be nice to know that I'm not alone and not the only one here trying to survive. After this entry, I won't be talking about it again out of not wanting to repeat myself.

( Read more... )